Into the Woods
It could be that it’s my first day off of Xanax in several months. But here it is.
I’m attempting to work out whether my fatigue is more due to actual health issues or behavioral issues. My gluten tolerance has gone down to zero in the last few weeks, which suggests either Celiac or Crohn’s. But it has all been accompanied by increasing lack of sleep and stress from this job which is not the worst job I ever had, but which feels more permanent than anything I’ve had since before my son arrived.
And then there’s the boy.
He has some health issues himself, which may require surgery, and which are occurring alongside big events like potty training, which he has thus far failed to grasp.
So it’s kind of a bad day for me to have my hopes raised by some make-your-own-career guy on the interwebs. Logic would dictate that the last thing I need in my life right now is more instability. Besides which, I’m really freaking tired. I have next week off, but only so I can torture myself by eating gluten for a few days and then getting a colonoscopy/endoscopy to narrow down my diagnosis.
Logic might also suggest that I get as much sleep as possible. However, since my recent creative project (that for which I live and breathe) has been released, I’m loath to spend evenings sleeping rather than promoting. Although in truth, I spend more of them kid-watching, which while he’s been sick has meant late hours and inconsistent sleep.
Previous shrinks have advised me to concentrate on factors such as those listed above and let myself off the hook, besieged as I am. But as discussed in this space before, there is never a time at which life is not beating the crap out of me on some front or another. If I function low during crisis moments, that is the median for all moments.
I can think up these things that I would do with my time if I weren’t chained to this desk, but past experience and physical fatigue don’t inspire my confidence. Looking at the balance sheet renders optimism nil.
There are days when it feels right. Doing what I have to do to make the things I make, on the only timetable that works. Being a good father and putting my family’s well-being above selfishness. Reading the right biographies, not of the ones whose stars aligned, but those who had to slog through the mud. It all feels necessary.
Then there are days when I know, I KNOW in my bones that I’m missing something essential. That the sacrifice is nulling the reward. That if I just did _____, the whole paradigm would shift. And on these days, my bad health drives me not towards stability during the healing process, but makes me pin my ills on the corrosive nature of unwanted routine.
I’ll know a little more in the next two weeks. A full report on my innards will enable me to know what to expect and where to more accurately place blame for symptoms. I really should avoid CHANGE YOUR LIFE NOW pep talks, as I am presently in a holding pattern awaiting further information.
I do need sleep, I know that. But I have three jobs: One at the desk, one in my study at home, and one running around the house needing my attention. And that’s not even including the maintenance of my marriage, which, while relatively stable at the moment, could tumble back into the woods at any moment. Really, it’s probably only my bad health keeping the storm at bay, making it both a cause of and salve for my marital problems.
Exercise is likely an overlooked area as well. I’ve always hated it, both for the demands on my time and the fact that I have the athletic ability of a manatee. It’s rather a no-brainer that lack of exercise impedes sleep and increases fatigue, yet I willfully drop that knowledge the moment I get home.
Perhaps, in the absence of mobility in other areas, I could at least get the exercise thing going. Not much, just sit-ups and push-ups before bedtime. It could help, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt. One benefit of my restricted diet is that ‘ve lost 30 pounds in the last couple of months. Maybe I could put some beef on the old frame and look decent for a change. Which is a good confidence-builder.
Okay, let’s start there. Leave the rest till after Christmas.